Interesting Day - Part 1

FYI - This is a very somber, reflective post. I initially wanted to make it Private, but couldn't figure out how. Now I figure, I've got nothing to hide; so read up gossip-mongers. This is my life.

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So today was a VERY interesting day. As it seems with almost all my days almost too much happens for me to believe that what I remember all happened within the confines of a consecutive sunrise and sunset. Nonetheless, the events that transpired today merit transcription and reflection.

Today started early, or earlier than usual. I arose (permanently) around 8:17am to the sound of my father calling me. We talked about something or the other (not terribly important...my availability to travel to New York/Niagara Falls area around August-time). Afterwards I had to wake up and get ready anyway, because my mom and brother were en-route to pick me up and go meet with the Dean and Associate Dean of the Honors College. The purpose of my mother's visit was to "know that he is progressing". Mostly, she wanted to hear (from someone other than myself) that I was "on the right track". What exactly "progress" and "the right track" means I cannot quite say. The source of power that propels and determines the direction of my life is only a deep seated desire to do the most good and the least harm to others (person, plant, animal, world) and to improve some small part of the community before I leave the circles of this world.


Either way, after meeting with Dr. Y, the Associate Dean, my mother certainly felt much more reassured of the current (and potential future) state of my affairs. Dr. Y did a fantastic job speaking to my mom. It's always strange to hear speaking about you, especially when you're sitting right next to them in the same room. I hardly ever feel as if I am somehow an incredibly accomplished person. In fact, I've never felt a need or a desire to identify myself to others as being a particularly accomplished person. Hell, I hate even mentioning titles I may have to others unless the situation particularly requires it. Sure I am smart and I get good grades, but that's only because the first 17 years of my life, that was practically all I knew (or all my parents taught me to value besides my family and my Indian heritage). I know too, that I am active at USF in leadership roles, but I also recognize that I am only in these roles because others usually place me in a position where they perceive me as a leader or (as when I was younger and more inexperienced with such roles) because others empowered me and trusted me enough (thank you, Joe) to place rather large responsibility in the hands of a very inexperienced, wide-eyed freshman at USF. I suppose I'm of the school of thought (who else is in this school? I must find an alumni website or something from it) that believes leadership is more a burden than a privilege. Perhaps that somehow relates to the way I formulate or believe in power which in turn is connected to my conception of my role and dharma within the great cosmos.

I am not in the mood right now to re-count a CV of leadership roles while here at USF, but in terms of self esteem (and I'll be the first to admit mine gets rather low from time to time) it was really encouraging and reinforcing to hear Dr. Y speak so highly of me. My mother spoke to Dr. Silverman afterwards and during that time I was not in the room (I figured I'd be more comfortable not knowing what Dr. Silverman spoke) but apparently he did not disappoint. I will certainly thank them both for their time, though the best way I can thank them is by showing to both them and my parents what I am truly capable of accomplishing when I dedicate myself to a achieving a certain end. By this I mean applying for (as in filling out and not simply downloading applications) and receiving prestigious national fellowships (got the Fulbright, Marshal and Rhodes on my mind; yea I'm looking at you Oxford!) as well as admissions (with aid) to the History of Consciousness graduate program at UC Santa Cruz. Achievement of such goals is not my end game. But somewhere deep within, I have a need to prove to both my parents and myself exactly what I am capable of. My concern in all of this, my priority in fact, is to, as Gandhi said, remember the poorest, most desperate man (or woman) I can and think every step along the way if what I am doing helps him or her. I suspect that the accomplishment of these goals (with the possible exception of graduate school at HisCon) does not, but is only some form of prestige that I am able to accrue to my name. Does it make a difference if the collection of such prestige places me in a more competitive position for jobs where I can affect change on a national level? Perhaps, but such change is slow and difficult to enact, especially because in such cases one puts oneself in an environment divorced from the real circumstances and suffering in which many many people live their lives. If I pursue study in Ivory towers of Cambridge or Oxford can I still be connected to those alongside whom I need to struggle?

I think I can. If we can truly be who we want to be in this life, then I do not believe one needs to join the rat race or forget the causes and the people who one truly wants to help. In fact, I make the pledge, right here, right now, that no matter through which valleys, over which hills, and across which oceans my path in life takes me I will never lose my talisman. I will never allow myself to forget the suffering of my brothers and sisters in this life. I will labor for their spiritual uplift until the final breath leaves my body.

Getting to the point where I am helping them with the full dedication of all my vital energies may take until after graduation.

On that note, I am increasingly looking for opportunities after graduation to spend time travelling in Asia and Latin America and to work with social and economic justice movements during that time. Perhaps that will last for about a year or so.